Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
