90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
