I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
