your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
