I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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