Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
