sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My Higher Power is John Stamos
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
