Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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