all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
