I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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