what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
