I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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