i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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