i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
