How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
