I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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