he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My ass is underappreciated
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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