You can't motorboat a personality
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
