my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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