yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
