My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
