3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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