Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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