I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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