Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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