the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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