never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
