Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
