im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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