Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
