Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
