can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
