Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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