My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Someone came in the potted fern
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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