dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
