I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
