No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
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