Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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