Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
