I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize