I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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