Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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