I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize