hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize