I hope mine doesn't look like that
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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