all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
