omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
