Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
