Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
