What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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