my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
