We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
