I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
