Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
