I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
