you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
