Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
