Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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