Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
