I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
