so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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