I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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