does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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