I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
