i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Randomize
