u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
