It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just had sex on a roof
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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