There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
